Today was strange.
My day started off on the right foot with the completion of a project at work. This is a project I'd literally been preparing myself for for weeks. Once completed, tested and verified complete, I had a bit of an inner celebration.
After work, however, things changed drastically. I called up one of my friends to hitch a ride to the post office. I had something that I needed to mail next-day. USPS informed me that the best they could do was Monday. Unacceptable. This was after waiting in line for over thirty minutes while one cashier rang up the seemingly endless line of patrons.
I figured I would give UPS a try next. I enter the store hopeful but am once again shot down. Get this, though: USPS wanted US$4.xx for a Monday delivery; UPS wanted over US$20.00 for the same service! I walked out extremely irritated.
On the way back home I barely muttered a word. My friend noticed this and inquired as to what was wrong. I answered with a rude response.
It was then that I fell into one of the darkest moods I've ever experienced. I was borderline-suicidal. I told my friend (who I had been planning to get an apartment/condo/house with in the very near future) that I just didn't care anymore. I then began having suicidal ideation after ideation. It was pure hell. It makes me question whether I am bi-polar or not; it came and went like a car passing you in the oncoming lane. Ironically, during this entire episode, I did not crave the use or misuse (?) of Heroin.
I, fortunately, am now back to what I consider to be baseline. It is nearing the end of the day and I am readying myself for bed; it appears that I made it through another day without using! Go me!
28 September 2007
Status Report: 28 September 2007
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5 comments:
I got the link to your blog from wikipedia. I think this is very cool and interesting. It's really cool because you are in such early stages of your recovery. I( wish you the best. I'll be reading!!!
Hey man im rooting for ya and im sure a whole lot of other people who arent commenting are. Don't give up!
Being high on 20mg of oxycodone its kind of ironic im posting this but whatever, good luck dude!
Im going to follow you the whole way!
Thanks for the support, guys! I plan to contribute daily -- if not multiple times a day -- so please keep this site in mind!
It's an extremely rewarding feeling to know that you have people supporting you. Take care!
I'm a 9 month recovering opioid addict (heroin and fenatnyl primarily)--and i'd just like to wish all the best to you.
It seems like you have a good, sober support network. Thats very important in sustaining one's own sobriety.
Are you on any sort of DRT therapies? Buprenorphine or Methadone? And are you attending any 12-step programs/Narcotics Anonymous?
In my experience, kicking dope and white-knuckling those first 30 - 90 days or so is the easy part. The hardest part is maintaining sobriety. For me, 12-step programs are essential in this endeavor. I'll explain how it helped me, as maybe it can give you some insight...
As addicts, we're addicted to immediate gratification when we face problems in life. Thats what drug use has conditioned us to do. I know that personally, when faced w/ a hardship in life.. my first instinct is to run and say "fuck it!" And w/o working on myself and constantly striving to resolve those factors that brought me to and kept me in drug addiction; i'll always seek to immediately gratify myself when things don't go my way or when i feel pain. But in recovery, addicts tend to do this w/ other things like w/ sex, using people, or even food. But eventually, this behavior can lead to a relapse.. since these things don't numb us nearly as much as dope does.
So the key is... to get out of that rut of running from problems and forgetting them; but to actually learn how to deal w/ them and resolve them. Some people can do that on their own, myself however, i found the 12-steps in NA make the process so easy, painless, and rewarding!
So good luck! I'll be following!
Matt,
Yes. I have been on Suboxone treatment off/on. Unfortunately, I find its ability to ward off cravings only lasts a short time. Perhaps it has something to do with the 36-hour half-life and the gradual build-up of more and more buprenorphine being in your bloodstream... (since buprenorphine is an agonist-antagonist, there is a ceiling effect... and less = more)
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