Status Report: 29-30 September 2007

I didn't abandon the blog, guys; instead, I have been spending an inordinate amount of time figuring out how I should break the latest news to everyone.

For those who haven't yet figured it out, I relapsed on Saturday.

I blame no one but myself. I am clearly not prepared enough to keep making these attempts at sobriety. I have been doing this exact same thing for the last few years. It is evident that I — although I'd like to think otherwise — am unable to do this using my current strategy.

My approach thus far has been to avoid old people (such as those that I would use with or dealers) and places (areas in which I got high in the past or areas where I would meet up with dealers to obtain what I needed). Then, this last go around, I set up this blog hoping that this too would be another deterrent — and it has been to an extent. Obviously — as demonstrated by this last relapse and countless others — this is not enough for me.

Reading through the comments that many of you have provided (THANKS GUYS!), it has become apparent that I need to re-establish some type of support group routine. Furthermore, I need to find a sponsor whom I could contact in times of need. Recently, this seems to be happening all too frequently. Each dramatic event has me scurrying away to find relief. Most times I am able to (internally) talk myself down, but others the emotional pain is just too much for me. These are the times when I seem to go into auto-pilot and make that phone call. It has become so routine that it is comparable to ordering take-out.

"Yo man."
"What's up? What do you need?"

On a lot of days, as few as ten minutes later, I can have it in hand ready to go. Many people think that because I do not have a car that I can no longer get drugs. That's funny. I still seem to be getting them. I wish THEY were right. I wish it were impossible to get drugs without a vehicle. But, as with most 'businesses', they exist solely to appease to the customer. Home delivery is not uncommon. In fact, it isn't even a problem most times. They'd just as soon drive to you to keep you one of their customers (read: addicted). It simply is too easy sometimes. In many ways these operations are no different than any other business, aside from their legality.

Ironically, in many areas, Heroin is sold in branded baggies. They will market and sell different bags stamped with logos indicating the different brands. This creates the same brand-loyalty that you will find with common products such as soda, fast food and vehicles. Word spreads fast throughout the streets. On one day, one bag may be equivalent to buying a BMW in terms of quality. This sets buyers up for the inevitable bait-and-switch that is much too common. Dealers will sell a particularly high-quality product for a set time. Once this brand has gained street credibility it is replaced with a lower quality product. This is a common tactic that increases the profits of the sellers in two ways; first, it sells the low-quality product which invariably leads the buyer to having to then purchase a second bag to compensate for the diminished quality. These types of activities indicate above-average intelligence in reference to the seller. Imagine if these people had channeled their energy into something more productive.

I did not use on Sunday, despite an extreme spike in my craving. I resisted temptation and made it through the day.

I plan to soon attend a 12-step meeting soon, though. There, I will seek out a sponsor; someone demonstrative of a strong willingness to help, a long duration of sobriety time and someone who I feel I could easily relate to. It is evident that I need to strengthen my support system as it simply is not working as is.