Fast Forward: 21.5 Months

No, I didn't die. This was the most common topic of discussion in e-mails I received regarding the site's inactivity. Thank you for caring enough to e-mail me.

Guys, I am back; and — perhaps more importantly — I have decided to stick around a bit, too. Let's hope I stick with this trend.

It has been over twenty-one months since my last contribution; that is nearly two years. Looking back at everything, it has actually been just over two years since my last post with any semblance of punctuality.

It has — many times, actually — occurred to me that I simply start anew; I keep wondering if this isn't but an old, worn blog mere moments away from a final ride to the glue factory. I figure I owe giving this blog another shot; and, to be totally honest with you, as I write this, it feels sound. So — for now, anyway — this site will press on.

One resounding question is entangled amongst what's left of my brain: where do I even begin? I feel it best to return to the hybrid of essay, rambling, and status reports it once was. This will instill a sense of normalcy at worst. Afterwards, time permitting, I will begin filling everyone in on what has happened in the last two years. Sound good? No? Well, tough luck.

I will end this by logging a status report: I have one year, seventeen days of sobriety! I'm going to do my best at addressing possible reactions to this. First, there was a period in which I relapsed and, boy, did I ever. I was using all day, every day and going through $200 to $400 per day on my habit. This went on for numerous months and ended rather abruptly — this was not something I elected to do. How is that for a bit of foreshadowing?

More to come, I promise! Oh, and for the technically-minded out there, I plan to move this to a domain and host this myself. Does anyone have any recommendations on domain names and/or hosting companies? It needs to have PHP5, MySQL5, and a pretty sweet control panel at the bare minimum.

If you feel you may be able to offer me some technical assistance, or, if you'd simply like to contact me personally shoot me an e-mail at heroindiaries@gmail.com.

Wow, wow, wow.

Firstly, thanks to anyone that as much takes the time to skim this posting. I all but abandoned this blog; and, realistically, I shouldn't expect to have a single reader left. Additionally, I stopped posting during an immensely weighty point in my young recovery.

Left and right, I have become witness to numerous people falling off of their respective wagons. I wish each person well and hold out hope that these people will be able to reverse their derailment.

On the bright side, however, I was able to persevere. I have broken through the initial barriers that ever surrounded me and am extremely excited to announce that I am becoming a stronger person each and every day. It truly is one day at a time. So, without further ado, I am officially announcing my one-hundred thirty-ninth day of sobriety! It seems like but yesterday when I was boldly gleaming from within for being clean a handful of days — I have come so far!

I do not want to falsely illustrate the "typical outcome"; this is more of a miracle at this point than anything else. I still very much aware of the dangers that surround me and just how quickly I, myself, could jump ship.

I want to extend my arms to everyone out there still suffering, still in the same daily cycles of addiction: give sobriety a shot, it can work. I am living proof who never thought I'd be able to say so.

Now... not everything has gone as planned; but, then again, whose life does? I have had a lot of recent setbacks that have nearly tossed me across the line. I will write about these instances in numerous soon-to-come entries.

Until then, take care everyone. Beat the beast that addiction is!

Status Report: 17 Oct 2007-06 Nov 2007

Hey guys. I apologize for seemingly abandoning the blog; I've been extremely busy both at work and at home.

I would like to announce that this is my thirty-eighth day sober.

Every day gets a little better! For everyone out there that is struggling: it IS possible to break away from this deadly cycle. I know I surely was skeptical when I began this blog.

Status Report: 13-16 October 2007

Wow.

I really hope that I haven't lost out on every one's interest due to my lack of writing.

Things will soon change; I just moved into a new apartment and am beginning to have everything switched over, so to speak. My internet connection is supposed to be up and ready to go by this afternoon, but we shall see when that time comes. I've learned — pretty quickly, in my short life — that cable/utility companies are a bit overenthusiastic when selling their services; yet, when it comes down to actually providing said service, it is a bit of a toss up.

I'm now approximately one-quarter mile away from work. This makes it very simple for me to walk to and fro. I'm beginning to get used to the routine and actually quite like it. It's close enough to not be a burden, but far enough away to ensure some type of seclusion.

This is my seventeenth day of sobriety. Each day is an uphill battle, sure, but with each passing day I find myself feeling better and better. To all of those that are currently struggling with an addiction to opiates/opioids such as Heroin, morphine, oxycodone, hydrocodone, hydromorphone, oxymorphone, or even codeine: it is definitely worth fighting the good fight to abstain.

Status Report: 04-12 October 2007

I know, I know. I've been busy.

I am happy to report, however, that I have been sober for thirteen days.

I am moving this weekend to a new apartment complex that's right over the hill from where I work. I'm very much looking forward to it all. I will soon no longer be as reliant on others for rides to and fro. I will be nearly a quarter-mile away from work and, perhaps, a half-mile from a decent shopping center. Heck, I'm in walking distance of food, shopping, and entertainment. There's a nearby grocery store that borders both a Circuit City and Best Buy (along with other stores tied in), as well as a movie theater.

Things are definitely looking up!

Status Report: 03 October 2007

I made it through another day sans using; that's right, I have been sober for four days now. While this may seem a minuscule milestone to most, I for one could not be any more ecstatic. A single step closer to my goal is not to be frowned upon. A time when finding it impossible to attain but only ONE day of sobriety remains fresh in mind.

Status Report: 01-02 October 2007

I can happily say that I have maintained sobriety over the course of the last few days. The slip up over the weekend has only further ignited my desire to succeed in defeating my demons.

It has come to my attention that I need to reach out for additional support. I have already decided to and planned on making regular visits to NA. Does anyone else have any other suggestions? I'm willing to consider anything. Counseling, psychotherapy, you name it.

Here's to day three of sobriety (as of Tuesday).

Status Report: 29-30 September 2007

I didn't abandon the blog, guys; instead, I have been spending an inordinate amount of time figuring out how I should break the latest news to everyone.

For those who haven't yet figured it out, I relapsed on Saturday.

I blame no one but myself. I am clearly not prepared enough to keep making these attempts at sobriety. I have been doing this exact same thing for the last few years. It is evident that I — although I'd like to think otherwise — am unable to do this using my current strategy.

My approach thus far has been to avoid old people (such as those that I would use with or dealers) and places (areas in which I got high in the past or areas where I would meet up with dealers to obtain what I needed). Then, this last go around, I set up this blog hoping that this too would be another deterrent — and it has been to an extent. Obviously — as demonstrated by this last relapse and countless others — this is not enough for me.

Reading through the comments that many of you have provided (THANKS GUYS!), it has become apparent that I need to re-establish some type of support group routine. Furthermore, I need to find a sponsor whom I could contact in times of need. Recently, this seems to be happening all too frequently. Each dramatic event has me scurrying away to find relief. Most times I am able to (internally) talk myself down, but others the emotional pain is just too much for me. These are the times when I seem to go into auto-pilot and make that phone call. It has become so routine that it is comparable to ordering take-out.

"Yo man."
"What's up? What do you need?"

On a lot of days, as few as ten minutes later, I can have it in hand ready to go. Many people think that because I do not have a car that I can no longer get drugs. That's funny. I still seem to be getting them. I wish THEY were right. I wish it were impossible to get drugs without a vehicle. But, as with most 'businesses', they exist solely to appease to the customer. Home delivery is not uncommon. In fact, it isn't even a problem most times. They'd just as soon drive to you to keep you one of their customers (read: addicted). It simply is too easy sometimes. In many ways these operations are no different than any other business, aside from their legality.

Ironically, in many areas, Heroin is sold in branded baggies. They will market and sell different bags stamped with logos indicating the different brands. This creates the same brand-loyalty that you will find with common products such as soda, fast food and vehicles. Word spreads fast throughout the streets. On one day, one bag may be equivalent to buying a BMW in terms of quality. This sets buyers up for the inevitable bait-and-switch that is much too common. Dealers will sell a particularly high-quality product for a set time. Once this brand has gained street credibility it is replaced with a lower quality product. This is a common tactic that increases the profits of the sellers in two ways; first, it sells the low-quality product which invariably leads the buyer to having to then purchase a second bag to compensate for the diminished quality. These types of activities indicate above-average intelligence in reference to the seller. Imagine if these people had channeled their energy into something more productive.

I did not use on Sunday, despite an extreme spike in my craving. I resisted temptation and made it through the day.

I plan to soon attend a 12-step meeting soon, though. There, I will seek out a sponsor; someone demonstrative of a strong willingness to help, a long duration of sobriety time and someone who I feel I could easily relate to. It is evident that I need to strengthen my support system as it simply is not working as is.

Status Report: 28 September 2007

Today was strange.

My day started off on the right foot with the completion of a project at work. This is a project I'd literally been preparing myself for for weeks. Once completed, tested and verified complete, I had a bit of an inner celebration.

After work, however, things changed drastically. I called up one of my friends to hitch a ride to the post office. I had something that I needed to mail next-day. USPS informed me that the best they could do was Monday. Unacceptable. This was after waiting in line for over thirty minutes while one cashier rang up the seemingly endless line of patrons.

I figured I would give UPS a try next. I enter the store hopeful but am once again shot down. Get this, though: USPS wanted US$4.xx for a Monday delivery; UPS wanted over US$20.00 for the same service! I walked out extremely irritated.

On the way back home I barely muttered a word. My friend noticed this and inquired as to what was wrong. I answered with a rude response.

It was then that I fell into one of the darkest moods I've ever experienced. I was borderline-suicidal. I told my friend (who I had been planning to get an apartment/condo/house with in the very near future) that I just didn't care anymore. I then began having suicidal ideation after ideation. It was pure hell. It makes me question whether I am bi-polar or not; it came and went like a car passing you in the oncoming lane. Ironically, during this entire episode, I did not crave the use or misuse (?) of Heroin.

I, fortunately, am now back to what I consider to be baseline. It is nearing the end of the day and I am readying myself for bed; it appears that I made it through another day without using! Go me!

Status Report: 27 September 2007

Today was a pretty stressful day for me in general. I did not get my paycheck on time; throwing a lot of things out of whack. Hopefully I will get it on Friday. Nonetheless, I managed to complete the day substance-free. One day at a time; right?

Status Report: 26 September 2007

In time, status reports will become a daily addition to this site. In it, I plan to let everyone know how my day went, what types of urges I may have had, and if I relapsed or feel that I am on the downhill road to relapsing.

Because this is my first entry, I feel it necessary to provide details leading up to this point.

I have been clean for the last twelve days. My last dose was on Friday 21 September 2007. I administered an intravenous injection of approximately 320mg oxycodone. This would have been enough to kill me when I began. I was content on 5 to 10mg for several months, even.

Frequently, I am able to go fifteen days, sometimes thirty before another relapse of some type. It seems that I have a fixation with the number of days of sobriety that ends up subconsciously pushing me toward a celebration of some kind. This time, I tell myself, all will be different; this time I am going to defeat it. Whether I do or not, now, that's a totally different subject. I haven't quite approached the problem from this angle, so I can't say for sure at this point. Here's for hoping.

I did not have any major craving episodes; just the normal fleeting thoughts that I feel I will never be rid of. These type cravings I can deal with. It is the kind where I focus intensely on obtaining and using an opioid for a good half-hour to an hour that I am more leery of. These extended cravings are breeding grounds for relapse. During a such episode, if something I deem depressive happens, I am two seconds from calling someone.

I have been spending more time with friends and doing 'normal' things. This reintroduction to human life is what I consider to be the most compelling reason why I am in such a positive spot at the moment.

I plan to continue writing essay-style articles pertaining to the pharmacology and general drug knowledge in the near future; keep an eye open for those!